Digital Ferox
Web Log / Blog

Porno Review Policy

While many DF readers find this fair website to be obscene, it is hardly hardcore.  In fact, it’s more like a late night Cinemax skin flick: hardly erect and decidedly softcore.  Originally designed as a family portal, DF’s reviews of pornography have unfortunately been few and far between.  As a good corporate citizen, Sir Digital Ferox III has always encouraged his editors to review porno in a socially responsible way.

Therefore, in an attempt to reduce teenage pregnancy, Sir Ferox initially chose to review only gay porno films.   DF editors nevertheless felt that the five percent of DF readers that are straight would nevertheless enjoy a review of a good straight title . . . hence the review of Vista Valley P.T.A.

November 19, 2002

Yes, it's true.  Billy Cannon has uninvited Zigmas Woodward from his wedding, citing Zig's refusal to promptly RSVP as the prime motive.  Billy's secondary reason for shunning Zig, Chicago's most debonair albino retard, has to do with yet another RSVP list, this one on evite.com.  Cannon accuses Zig of electronically impersonating him and, in the process, wrongfully painting him as an obese, marauding rapist.  Zig denies the charges.  And, in a way, so does Cannon, saying, "Come on.  The thing on evite says I weigh 250 pounds.  God, I wish.  I haven't weighed 250  since the second grade.  As for the rape stuff...give me a break.  Why would I give a warning?  When I do rape, which is often, most of the girls never even know I'm in the room with them until it's too late.  Also, please, please don't tell anybody what I just said."

October 24, 2002

Victor Wong writes:

Can you sirs tell me what the hell is going on with the Ferox fuckbot?  I'm tired of giving you precious hits while you give me nothing in return.  The only media that I can stand to look at over and over again is porn, so if you're not going to update your site, at least put up some porn. 

Signed,

Victor Wong, aka, Egg Shen*

* not related to asian weasel Jon Shen

I'm flattered Egg Shen found time to write us.  He's a busy man.  When he's not battling sinister man-ghost, Lo Pan, he's studying a swirling cylinder of green ooze in the basement of my family church.

October 4, 2002

If any of our imaginary readers haven't noticed, this site hasn't been update in a few months.  We stopped the updates so that computer technology could be allowed to catch up with this dynamic web page.  Let's update you on what's happened lately:

One DF editor saw the dude who played the older brother on the TV show Blossom (not Joey Lawrence) at Hackney's on Lake Avenue in Wilmette.  The Blossom older brother had a Hackney Burger cooked medium.  Well, that should catch you up on everything that has happened in the last four months.

prrp, 35434

Kiblydikilbiltz offers this bleak view on life with an email that reads:

hey ferox why don't you put a search engine incase people wanna find specific stuff in your web log or features.  i am eagerly awaiting such a feature. 

Why don't we all just kill ourselves?

July 31, 2002

Fuck.

July 23, 2002

Ferox receives many strange emails.  Most are vitriolic diatribes, written by nice, non-Jewish whites, who are opposed to the exclusivity of all-black country clubs.  Here's one that's about something else:

JACK BELLAND 

jabe@networksplus.net

Yes, Jack.  We can indeed help.

July 21, 2002

Digital Ferox is the fucking best (read: worst).  So why are some foreign ass-cocks trying to rip us off?  Does the preceding make any sense?  Probably not.  Fuck everybody.  Even Zig.  He should die.  He is a foreigner.  A dirty, dirty foreigner.

July 17, 2002

IKARI WARRIORS CODE!

This is one of the most significant codes in the annals of videogamedom.  It allows the user to skip to any level.  That way you can defeat this piece-of-shit-game in ten minutes.  No one should have to suffer through the ninety hours of tedium those moronic, foreign* programmers designed. 

Quickly press Up, Down, A(2), B, Left, Right, A, B, Up, A, Down, Right(2), Left, B, Up, Left, A, Right, B, Left, Right, A, Left, Up, A, Down, A, Right, Left, A, Start at the title screen. The phrase "Stage 1" will appear next to the airplane landing screen to confirm correct code entry. Press A or B to change the starting level.

*By foreign, I of course mean insidious Japanese.

July 16, 2002

New O'Connell Photo!

Here is a photo of Mike O'Connell (pre bicycle accident).  If you want to know what the post-accident O'Connell looks like, imagine a pile of shit.  That is all.

July 15, 2002

Kidd Video has to be the single gayest cartoon ever made.  And by gayest I don't mean happiest; I mean most homosexual.  Don't believe me?  Well then check this out.  It's the opening sequence to Kidd Video.  I wish Ferox had an opening sequence half as awesome.

July 13, 2002

New Movie Review!

Halloween: Resurrection sucks shit.  Everyone involved with this move  should be thrown into a live volcano.  Especially Michael  "The Shape" Myers.  That's probably the only way to kill him.

I was going to write about how Digital Ferox was planning to introduce its own HIV-Positive Puppet, but I got sidetracked.  Does anyone have an account on Suze Randall's website?  Looks interesting . . . 

July 12, 2002

Now That's Comedy!

Word on the street is that Mike O'Connell was recently in a bicycle accident and sustained injuries.  Mike, who has given up automobiles, was apparently riding his bicycle (to the liquor store?) when the dangling straps from his ubiquitous yellow backpack became entangled in the spokes.  Further details are scant, but Ferox paid an accident reconstruction crew $95,000 to recreate the accident.  Strangely, the preliminary findings suggests that gravity, not the Jews, was at fault.

July 11, 2002

This gets you free lives in the NES game, Kid Niki: Radical Ninja:

Defeat the Boss at the end of each level to reveal a scroll. Wait until the first and last digits of the timer are the same, then shoot the scroll.  This can be done two ways.  You can press a button on your control pad to shoot the scroll.  Or you can simply scream the word shoot.  I prefer the latter.

Unfortunately, there is no code that corrects this game's poor spelling and grammar.   The Japanese are lazy.

July 10, 2002

Freshly-minted Juris Doctor, Aric [sic] Kruzman, has this to say about the fucking abomination that is chrisandsuzy.com:

Yo, that link to Chris Eiler's website is seriously scary. Actually, the link isn't so bad, but the website itself left me seriously traumatized. As your attorney I advise you to take it down (the link that is) at once, before 1) some poor child stumbles upon it, and 2) Billy Cannon gets the idea to make a website of his own: billyandthatgirlthatlooksjustlikefina.com

For the love of god, please make it stop.

Aric Kurzman, Esq?

 AK5870@exchange.law.miami.edu

July 8, 2002

VIDEOGAME TIPS

Rygar (NES)

While fighting Belzar at the end of Lapis, stand to the left of the door and face left. Now let Belzar throw a beam at you. If you do this correctly, you will fall back out the door, into a scrambled area and die. Press start and you'll start at Ligar.

If the above makes any sense to you,  please, by all means, kill yourself without hesitation.

July 6, 2002

What kind of girl lets a nude albino man-child climb on top of her and go hog wild?  Is there such a girl?  And if there is, does she have a website?  Oddly, the answer to those last two questions is yes.  This is because Zigmas Woodward's ex-girlfriend has her own website.  Her name is Emilie.  She is twenty, healthy, with good vision.  Yet by all accounts, Zig has actually had consensual sex with her.  To see her world wide website, simply click these blue letters.  However, if you're too lazy to click, here's a sample of what you're missing:

Raised in Minneapolis Minnesota, Emilie grew up with a strong drive to create and entertain. Whether dancing in front of her parents or on the set of a processional* shoot, Emilie always has high energy, great problem solving skills and the desire to make every project the best.  

It's a shame.  Even with all the problem solving skills in the universe, Emilie can never erase the fact that Zig threw a shot into her.   I just barfed on my keyboard. 

*Evidently Zig's sweet, Eastern-European lovin' induces a mild case of dyslexia.

July 5, 2002

At long last, famed kleptomaniac and New Trier alum, Chris Eilers, has launched his own website.  Now when all you Eilersphiles ask the Ferox mailbot, "What's Chris Eilers up to?" it will no longer answer, "Who gives a fuck!"  It will instead direct you to this: chrisandsuzy.com.  The "Chris" stands for Chris Eilers.  The "Suzy" must stand for Suze Randall, erotic photographer extraordinaire.  According to the site, Chris has married this so-called Suzy.  After years of stealing baseball cards and adult magazines, it seems Mr. Eilers has finally stolen the heart of a well-healed young lady.  Jesus.  Enough kidding around.  I have to issue fair warning: while looking over this website, you'll probably feel like beating the living shit out of someone, namely that dork Chris Eilers.

July 3, 2002

Every year as the Fourth of July nears, I find my answering machine brimming with virulent, anti-gay messages from Wilmette's* golden boy, Billy Cannon.  Actually, now that I think about it, Cannon leaves me ranting, homophobic messages daily, sometimes hourly.  Huh.  Maybe I should go back and erase that shit about the Fourth of July.   Click here to listen to sweet Billy Boy's homophobic rage.

*Some say the Village of Wilmette is the ghetto of Chicago's North Shore.  But seriously:  it's nowhere near as bad as Northfield. 

Here is how the suburbs rank:

1. Kenilworth (Jews and Blacks are forbidden!)

2. Winnetka (Jews are whispered of.  Blacks are not.)

3. Lake Forest (No Jews. One black.)

4. Glencoe (Some kindly, closely-watched Jews.)

5. Wilmette (Suspicious Jews.  Docile Blacks.  Peruvians.)

6. Highland Park (A hive of sinister Jews.)

7. Highwood (Subservient Mexicans.)

8. Northbrook (Please.  It doesn't even touch the lake.)

9. Evanston (Unruly Blacks.  Rampaging Mexicans.  Polish people.  Your worst fucking nightmare!)

10. Northfield (Debtors.  Murderers.  Rapists.)

June 17, 2002

Like your dear grandparents, Ferox is bombarded daily by spam emails touting the sinister agenda of the "Global Gay Conspiracy."  We deal with these fey missives in one of three ways: (1) delete them (2) post them (3) masturbate like animals to them.  Here's a rarity: a gay email that will be subjected to all of the above, and not necessarily in the aforementioned order...if you catch my drift.  If you don't, I've beat off to this email four times already.  Not quite a record.  But still pretty good.

June 12, 2002

After nearly a month without an update, Ferox returns to its former glory with this, the posting of an email from a typically fuck-faced reader.

poastx@hotmail.com

If you haven't already guessed, this so-called "Zeke The Cork" is actually Billy Cannon's father, who is known to many as Mr. Cannon, Bill Sr., or even Ram Rod.  But to young Billy, he's just Papa.

May 16, 2002

STAR WARS SPOILERS!

Here at Ferox, we consider ourselves to be real fucking bastards.  That's why we're going to spoil all the awesome parts of Attack of the Clones for you, the gentle reader.

Khan puts some kind of mind-control worm is Checkov's ear (very gross stuff here, folks).

Kirk has a son, some total fag named David who has this stupid sweater tied around his neck the whole time.  A real sis'.

Spock dies.

I hope John Larroquette plays a Klingon named Maltz in the next one.

Somebody kill me.

Hi.

May 13, 2002

Though no one at Ferox has seen the new Star Wars, that hasn't stopped us from thinking up hilariously degrading names for the film.  Here's one of them: Star Bores.  And here's another: Space Faggots.  Tell us what you think.

This just in: groom-to-be Billy Cannon has registered at Taco Bell.  So if you're one of the lucky few invited to his wedding, you now know where to buy the gifts.  And yes, in case you  were wondering, Billy's registering at Taco Bell is a bucking of family tradition.  Both his parents and grandparents were registered at Crossroads Adult Bookstore, near the Illinois-Wisconsin boarder*.  Oh how I envy Billy's forbearers.

*Contrary to popular belief, Zigmas Woodward's parents were never registered at Crossroads.  Before their nuptials, it was universally known that Harry Woodward's private collection of hardcore pornography rivaled those of such stroke addicts as Larry Flynt and Ted Bundy.  So really, what was the point.

May 5, 2002

This Code for the original Metroid starts you in the Tourian elevator as the armorless (female) Samus, equipped with nothing--  no Varia ball, no special weapons, just a short beam. You literally can't do anything.  If you try to enter Tourian proper, metroids will instantaneously kill you.  And if you go up the elevator, you can't get out because you don't have the ball.  I tried for nineteen hours.

X X X X X X X X X X X X
K K K K K K K K K K K K

May 3, 2002

O'Connell  Fuckgate Update #2

Ferox  has received credible information that a homeless man was involved in the Borders sex scandal.  We're not yet sure how the Hobo was involved; although several Ferox super computers have theorized that O'Connell ate his ass out.

May 1, 2002

O'Connell  Fuckgate Update!

Borders did not fire Mike O'Connell on sexual harassment charges.  We were wrong.  Acting on advice from friend Alexander Haig, Mike "stepped down" before Borders could take action and besmirch his stellar rep*. 

Too bad Haig didn't advise Mike to simply kill himself. 

*Mike once urinated on Zigmas Woodward's bedroom rug*.  According to Zig, Mike just stood in the center of the room, dropped his pants, and let it fucking rip.  In Mike's defense, though,  he was drunker than usual.

*Zig is currently auctioning this rug  on ebay.

April 30, 2002

Photo of O'Connell: The Ferox mailbot, taking a break from responding to the voluminous email this site receives everyday, decided to search the web for information on Mike O'Connell.  It found this picture.  Mr. O'Connell is in the second photo down and on the right of the frame.  Evidently Mr. O'Connell was once involved in the Chicago comedy scene.

April 29, 2002

Pervoid Alert!

Borders has fired Mike O'Connell (New Trier Senior Class President, 93-94)  on charges of sexual harassment.  Defending himself at a recent press conference, O'Connell screamed into the throng of flashbulbs and reporters, "I'll fuck anything that moves!"

Okay.  There was no press conference.  But Mike really was ousted for sexual harassment.  The details of this incident, while currently scant, will arise in future posts.  However, we do know that Mike's victim was, surprisingly, female*.

*Traditionally, Mike's tastes have favored the cock¹.

¹The rock hard cock.

April 29, 2002

Does anyone know a way to make a computer write blog updates?  We'd like to automatically update this site without human intervention.  We just want to cash the voluminous checks that keep pouring in.

April 22, 2002

Through the use of tachyon beam technology, a 13-year-old Zack T. "Moose" Miller is communicating with us from the year 1989.

I heard Video Hotline has just started renting videogames.  Do you think they have Ninja Gaiden?  I love throwing stars.

zackm2003@yahoo.com

April 18, 2002

An essential code for Karnov on the NES:

While playing, hit A and B simultaneously on the second controller.  This will kill Karnov.

April 17, 2002

Gamma bomb survivor, David Banner, has emailed Ferox.

I hate this site almost as much as I hate myself. Now that's a shitload! I'm going to die now.

davebanner@yahoo.com

Hey, Dave, I always thought your name was Bruce.

April 15, 2002

Famed European gadabout, Aric [sic] Kruzman, had this to say about the Cannon engagement photos:

can you please put names of  the people featured in the photos on your fine website?  i don't know which is Ms. Cannon and which is the bride-to-be.

thanks. 

kurzmania@hotmail.com

Sorry, Aric.  We don't know either.

April 10, 2002

DigitalFerox.com has just surpassed IGN.com and GameSpot.com as the top videogame site on the Internet.

The following code is for the original Metal Gear on the Nintendo Entertainment System (Famicom).  This code will provide eight door keys as well as all weapons and equipment.

5ZZZJ        WZZZG
JOOMU     UYRZZ
NXZZW

April 8, 2002

Has Ferox been duped with fraudulent Cannon engagement photos?  Check out this picture from one loyal reader.  After reviewing the photo with an electron microscope, it appears that wedding bells may actually be ringing for a youthful-looking Zigmas Woodward instead.  Hey, it wouldn't be the first time these two swingers have dated the same girl.

A couple of deaf lesbians have purposely made their children deaf by seeking out deaf sperm donors.  Evidently they want to keep deaf culture alive and well.  Gross.  I like it better when lesbians just kiss and cuddle and touch and rub and fondle and . . . aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Attack of the Clones script online.

This code gets you infinite potions in Kid Icarus:

 8 u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u u

April 6, 2002

I just saw Van Wilder, and I'm almost positive Tara Reid is a wax statue that someone shoved in front of the cameras during moments apropos.  In short: the movie sucks; Tara Reid's inhumanoid performance is fucking shameful; but her face and body (read: tits) are hot as fuck.  That is all.

April 4, 2002

Homo Alert!

Last weekend while watching The Rookie in a crowded cinema, Zigmas Woodward was so overwhelmed by gay emotions that he began to cry. This is true.  In Zig's defense, though, he did not cry while watching the other Rookie, the one that came out in 1990 and starred Charlie Sheen.  As the end credits rolled on that one, Zig merely stood, applauded most thunderously, and shouted at the screen, "SHEEEEEEEEEEN!  PLEASE!  MAKE LOVE TO MY BOTTOM!  MY SWEET ALBINO BOTTOM!  SHEEEEN!" 

April 2, 2002

More email:

I want the sprinkle test.

brandonh@tmgmedia.com

The sprinkle test is a motivational technique practiced in ice-cream parlors world wide.  To ensure cleanliness, the boss makes this threat to employees who have floor-sweeping duties: "Any filth remaining on the floor after you're done sweeping, I will collect and sprinkle on an ice-cream cone.  And  if you've done an insufficient job, a shit-encrusted cone you will eat."

The boss of that ice-cream parlor sounds like a fuckin' jerk.

Latest videogame news . . . This code will take you directly to Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's Punch Out for Nintendo: 007 373 5963.  This is not a joke.

April 1, 2002

Hollywood pussies at it again.  The terrorists in the new movie "The Sum of All Fears" have been changed to neo-nazis.  In the Clancy book they were Islamic terrorists.

I just saw the "Sum" trailer and I bet the movie would have been pretty good if it had some realistic villains.  Neo-nazis?   I think I'll just watch "Lethal Weapon 2" again.

The new piss yellow background color of Ferox's homepage has been as well received as Ava "Evita"  Peron's Rainbow Tour of Europe . . . a qualified success.  As it costs roughly $2000 to change the background color, it will probably stay this way for a while.

The following was received by the Ferox Mailbot:

Dear Assfuckers,

Y'all are a bunch of bitches.  Go suck some shit.  My shit.  Tastes like rye.

littlejohn298@yahoo.com

March 30th, 2002

littlejohn298@yahoo.com writes:

What the fuck is with the new background color, you fuck knobs?

Oh my God!  Fuck this shit-sucker.  I hope a cement truck runs over Little John's spine and paralyzes his retard ass.   Wait.  Now that I'm looking...  What the fuck is with the new background color?  Hmmm....  

Eric Freeberg made this cryptic request:

Can we start?

March 28th, 2002

The Ferox mailbot had the following exchange with one of our site addicts:

garagekubrick@yahoo.com:

[Why] don't you update your site more often? Are you going to take a video camera to Billy Cannon's wedding? Will you review  Gymkata for me?

Ferox mailbot:

Mysterious Sir:

No, I will not review Gymkata for you. That movie is a hateful memory I wish never to relive. Though if I were to write a review, part of it might read like this: The dullness and stupidity of Gymkata is surpassed only by the dullness and stupidity of garagekubrick@yahoo.com.

What a Goddamn pretentious email address you have. Seriously, think about killing yourself.

End of line,

Ferox MailBot

garagekubrick@yahoo.com:

I love you ferox mailbot.

March 27, 2002

Of interest, aint-it-cool-news.com has a sneak review of Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

By the way, Billy Cannon's wedding has been moved up to December 21st.  Also, he has tapped his own father as best man.

Ferox received the following message from Billy Cannon:

Dear Ferox Editors,

   Your site is beginning to suck.  Shape up.

Love,
Billy Cannon

Of course, the editors of DigitalFerox.com beg to differ.  This site has been sucking for a long time.

March 26th, 2002

Today marks the launch of Ferox's latest feature, the DigitalFerox.com web log (Ferox Blog).  This section will likely be updated much more often than the Ferox Features section which is changed as frequently as Billy Cannon changes his underpants.

This blog will provide a space to capture random thoughts that really don't deserve the prestige of an entire Ferox Feature.